Coffee is brewing and the warm smell fills the room and I want to linger here in the presence of my Father. He is calling me and I have not been listening. I have been avoiding, living my own life, believing I was still in relationship with him only to find myself afraid, alone, and on my knees. “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18. I know I have not been listening, but God has my attention. I know that he held my life before me and called me back to him. I am here in your presence once again, not pretending to be whole, but broken and needy. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3. I am binding my wounds.
Who have I been? I have been a selfish, self-righteous person, yet Romans 3:10 reads, “As it is written: “None is righteous, no, not one;” I have not put others first, I have failed to not just be strong in myself, but allowed myself to wallow in self-pity. I see all the ugliness inside of me. Who did I think I was? Did I feel I was better than others? Did I forget to walk in others shoes? How did I find my way back to this place? I know I have allowed Satan a crack into my life and he encouraged me to think only about myself. Why did God choose to bring me out of this pit? I feel the weight of my selfishness lifting off of me as God is showing me my lack of relationship with him and begins to heal the brokenness. “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” Psalm 51:17.
Walking along in my selfish life, I suddenly found myself in a situation that was like deja vu deep from my past. Where did that ugly person come from? This person that I thought was lost suddenly emerged like a monster from the dark. Yet, probably not as suddenly as it seemed. Recently, I have been a “Debbie Downer”. I have been a self-righteous pompous person. So finding myself selfishly raising my ugly head like a monster in the dark may have seemed sudden, but now I see that I was racing down a path of destruction. The humiliation means I want to hide, but I know that I have to move forward. Although, the pain that comes with seeing my selfishness hurts deeply, it has been nothing like facing the emptiness where God should be in my life. It is nothing like knowing he could choose to take my life with each breath, but has chosen to hold my beating heart in his hands.
My heart is broken because I have broken the most important person in my life. I alone have created deep pain and sorrow that is hard to forgive. I have hurt my husband deeply and that pain is like no other pain. I imagine that the pain God has felt is much the same, watching his son hang upon the cross for my sins. Words and sometimes even actions can not repair such damage, but I pray that our relationship can weather the storm. Romans 5:1-5 promises me, “Father, we feel the burden of our sin, and it is exhausting to try and make ourselves whole. Our hearts long for your presence. We rejoice in our sufferings, know that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.” I am a broken vessel… (a few lyrics from a powerful song)
You take our failures, You take our weakness
You set Your treasure in jars of clay
So take this heart Lord, I’ll be your vessel
The world to see Your life in me
Oh, I can see You now
Oh, I can see the love in Your eyes.
Laying Yourself down
Raising up the broken to life
“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.” Corinthians 4:7
(1° Broken Vessels – 00:00 2° Touch The Sky – 09:32 3° Say The Word – 13:55 4° Heart Like Heaven – 18:19 5° Closer Than You Know – 24:49 6° Even When It Hurts – 33:34 7° Oceans – 39:52 8° Love Is War – 48:48 9° Captain – 56:05)
As I contemplate my sin and move toward Christ, I realize that I am worthy in God’s eyes. I feel God drawing near to me and feeling his strength now I can see where my focus should be. First and foremost I need to focus on him and ensure he is the priority in my life. “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” James 4:8. So I seek his presence in prayer and in my daily walk. I think of others before myself. I smile so others might smile. I seek the happiness in my life that is my choice and no one else. I trust in God. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6. I am focusing on my heart once again in order to put my Father first in my life.
My Worth Is Not What I Own
Two wonders here that I confess
My worth and my unworthiness
My value fixed – my ransom paid
At the cross
I rejoice in my Redeemer,
Wellspring of my soul