Moment In Time
That moment in time when I know something is wrong, something in my gut. I can’t control what I feel, why am I feeling it. I don’t feel like jealousy but is it jealousy. I find myself on my knees begging for God to open my eyes and teach me.
Jealousy is an ugly beast that can raise its head every once in a while. Why are we jealous of what other have, the lives others lead, the “things” that they have, the things that they do. I am soul searching for whether it is jealousy or something deeper. What am I missing from God?
Maybe it’s not…
Maybe it is not jealousy at all. Maybe at that moment I see something missing in myself. Maybe I really am identifying my own shortcomings, but it is easier to thrust that painful knowledge somewhere else. Maybe what appears as jealousy is really just looking closer at what I have failed to be or who I have failed to love. I yearn for the words in Psalms 73:26, “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” In a split moment I realize the pain of not caring for relationships. Maybe the pain needs to be somewhere else all of a sudden to save me from the realization of my deeper failure as a person..
Failure and Pain
Maybe there is just too much pain. Everything in life seems to be full of pain all of sudden. It is overwhelming and the little things become areas to redirect and place this pain. Maybe it is not jealousy at all maybe it is just a place for the pain because all of a sudden the pain of life and those people I have failed to love fully just all collide in one moment and what seems like jealousy that I know should not be there is really just my failure to love, failure to hold, failure to be the person I know I should be for those I love.
Maybe it is not an incident, person, or things but just that it represents so much failure in my life. I believe that failure can be a learning moment, a challenge to move forward and even though at this moment it does not feel like I will move forward, I know that God will bless in this moment. I know that he will bring the good from this moment. He will make it better because I believe.
Learning From Failure
Learning from failure means realizing the pain that I have brought to others, the responsibility I have given others in my own suffering. Suffering and loss that is not theirs to own or bear, but where I placed it because I could not carry it myself. Placing this on others is not where it should be placed but in the hands of my Father who wants to carry the burdens for me. Matthew 11:28-30 lightens my heart, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”Give him the burden and the pain and just love those fully that he has given as a gift.
Closing Verse: “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13
Challenge: Give your failures to the Lord and you will be forgiven. Only he can truly wipe the tears away.